Living What I Am Now

Living What I am Now

(sometimes you just need to learn how to accept yourself)

(source picture: zerochan)

31/7/2018
Yogyakarta

It must be hard to living something that somehow feels so not you. Lost in thought while keep thinking, is it the real you? Do you deserve this? Will you manage it? Etc. Well, if you ever feel that way, don't worry, you're not alone. I thought of that sometimes, and because of that... sometimes I lost myself in my own world.

You know, I've always been a person who takes responsibilities seriously. Although I often messed up things, I'd feel bad if I failed to do what I supposed to do. Yet, God put me in a situation where there would be greater responsibilities in the future. Yep, my future profession. At first, I was like, "God, seriously?" Because I'm full of lacks and am just not as great, simply not suited. I mean come on, it's people's lives we're speaking. What if instead of helping to cure, I'd make them suffer greater? If you ask me, what's my motivation to be in 'this profession'? I'd say nothing. I just wish to be able to help people. I have no ulterior motives nor splendid background, my wish was always been that simple. It was my parent's suggestion that I better suited in this field. I wasn't sure but to my surprise, God approved it. 

In my first semester at my college, I was fine. No that's a lie. I was so tense. I let everything to burden my mind. By everything, I meant it literally. I was never someone who cares about scores but for the first time in my life, it's the complete opposite. I was never someone who cares about how to blend, how to be active students, how to be great, how to simply be perfectly suited for this field, but then I care. It feels like my anxiety level takes off from 3 to 35. But the good thing is, for the first time in my life, I opened up to my parent. I have always been that careless, stoic, flat little girl in front of them. And through that first semester, I let them know that I was actually so very scared. 

My life in the college wasn't that smooth. It is never, was never, and will never meant to be that smooth. But I survived it somehow. I've through all my ups and downs. Oh, you know what's funny, I face my downfall right after I asked a question. "I wonder how it feels to be this or that. Wonder if I'd survive. It must be tough!" I thought. And then, bam! God approved it (reminds me to never question things again). And yeah, I did survive, barely tho. 

Sometimes I wonder, how did people manage to do it? They are so great. Yeah, there were times when I constantly compare myself (it's not a good thing to do. It'll gives you more negativity than positivity). Why do I need to through this? I asked myself. Somehow I feel so different. They are so great, they are so wonderful. They keep running towards their goals, while I keep walking while questioning how to counter the falls. And so... I found the answers even without me asking a question to other people. Of course, we are different! The start line was already so different.

So, there is a difference between fighting for your dreams and fighting for your well being. It exactly sounds like 'fighting for future' and 'fighting to survive'. Fighting for future means you'll have more reasons to survive, you'll have countless motivations, spirit, energy, and stuff to keep achieving. While fighting to survive means you only fight to survive without actually expecting anything. You know, it actually makes you struggle twice as hard. Because there's gonna be a countless obstacle you're gonna face, that's going to crumble everything you have, your reasons, your motivations, your will, let's just say everything that makes you move forward. You'll struggle twice as hard because while facing through life's obstacle, you'll have to maintain your motivations and most likely you'll have to renew it every single second possible. 

(heavy exhale)

I've felt that. During the second year, I kinda lower my guard. I was so busy with organizations, academics, stuff, I barely have my free times. Questions and exhaustion were bubbled up and I have no idea how to free it (and that is where I stumble on an unsightly incident. lol, I'm ashamed of myself I don't even want to remember it). And that was where I actually falling in my stop motion. I stopped doing everything, I simply stopped. Then I questioned myself, "What the hell am I doing? Why the hell I keep wasting my life like this?" And... After a few stops, I regain my sanity. I stopped asking myself my old question, "Is this what I supposed to be? Am I doing it right?", instead, I asked myself, "What am I thinking? Is this really what I want to be?" and those questions finally revolved as "What should I do next? How to be better in the future?"

I got out of my room, my world, my universe. I talked to as many people as I can. And... I'm glad I did it. God gives me the answer through them. They taught me how to simply appreciate myself, my efforts (be it resulted in failure or success) to simply accept even the tiniest bit of ourselves, to always and always hold your ground even when you have to crumble thousands of times, to regain your spirit and keep fighting till the end. You don't need to compare, you just need to be aware that people's path was never meant to be the same. What you need to do is 'decide'. Decide what you want to be, envision it, believe it, never gives up on that hope and do your best. You can stop doubting or feel bad for yourself because believe it or not, if you managed to stand today that means you're far stronger than yesterday. And what you supposed to do next is how to make 'the you' tomorrow even stronger than 'the you' today.

A friend told me a very nice thing that has become one of my favorite quotes, and that is: "Survive today so you can be proud and tell your magnificent journey one day."

(deep breath)

Okay, that's it! 

That's all that I can say. Wow, it's a whole lot of words I wrote there after a while. Well, I don't know if it could inspire you or somehow it could do something good for you... but hey, thanks so much for reading this!

I'll see you next time, In Shaa Allah.

Can't promise you when, but I'll definitely write something again if I have times (or inspirations or whatever it is that makes me write again). 

See you around~